i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was born a porn star she said
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
