I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
