I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
