come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
