Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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