This is not my ceiling
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
