I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
