Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
