Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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