Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
