I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
