If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
