Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
