I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
