There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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