Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
