Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
