I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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