She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
