Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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