I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
