I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
