Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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