Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
