trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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