Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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