We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
