So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
