i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
