i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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