I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
