mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
