1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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