After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
