Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
