I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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