just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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