Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
