Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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