let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
