Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
