I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
