apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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