I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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