We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
