Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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