Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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