So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
