Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
