3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
