I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
